I was just wondering if I have become completely without hope.
I figured it was true, the way I felt. My recent behavior and the resulting
outcomes, but my wonder is then, how can one go on living without hope?
Then I thought, perhaps hope is there, but I just cannot see it.

In a way, words are dead. Miller was right. My verbal output does not
indicate the behavior of the thing. So I suppose the word then is hypocrite.
The word indicates an actor at large. I don’t want to be an actor, nor do I want the
thing I refer to this way either. Thus I seemingly don’t have control over the thing
itself. However, I have noticed when the behavior storm arrives, I am hardly
present. That is the stress level overrides my analytical thinking self, thus only
a reptilian instinctual creature is left, one that is obviously left to bad habits,
dangerous and risky behavior. How can this stress be so overwhelming to put
short-term relief above that miserable outcome?! That complete avoidance of
responsibility to gain an abundance of pleasure, although a slight relief
of pressure would probably do just fine?! I don’t know what is ignorance?
I need my own definitions to some extent, a refinement or clarity of those
that remain shrouded behind a veil of ignorance.