There’s no moisture in the air
No protein in my care
Only Budweiser to stare
————————-
I’m a bitch…dang.
I’m a bitch…dang.
I’m a beastie-boy
Nasty itch…dang.
————————
Ignorance on the path
It’s just math
and I prefer a bath

The clown out there – the peg
The vortex in me
A change of demeanor
Time bandit at home?
Perhaps he has been kidnapped
And who are you?
An aspect of Shani?
All phenomena are not self

I don’t know how to write or formulate this idea(s) so bear with me.

I was having angry and hateful thoughts all day. Then sometime in the early evening I couldn’t cope with it, and sat down to meditate. Within a couple minutes I began to feel better. I was still having the same thoughts but the anger was dissipating. The thought was no longer colored by hate and anger, but plain. How did that happen? As I withdrew from the overload of sensory information (eyes, ears, etc….) my breathing improved and a feeling of pleasantness and equanimity arose in me. It’s as if those emotions were put on pause and my thought stream became bare – no longer fueled by anger, hate, etc. This is when I started my little experiment. I said to myself, “these thoughts, I don’t want these, I don’t like these, these thoughts are not mine”. I had the impression my self – more aligned with that pleasant-equanimous feeling – was being regenerated, and perhaps, I associated that feeling with the body, and not the mind (a problematic duality?).

A later day, I was sobbing uncontrollably. That evening, I was feeling the pressure of living my life, and I began to well up inside. I couldn’t hold back, nor could I stop the lengthy release. Perhaps it was my ego, but I just couldn’t understand, and I didn’t want to be associated with the event; so I cleverly started to use the thing paradigm (a perversion of Kant’s noumenal ‘thing in itself’ theory). I said to myself, “I don’t understand this thing, I can’t help it anymore, I don’t even want this thing.” And as before, as this shift occurred, I perceived my self regenerating, but this time towards the cool detached thoughts of my mind, and not my body.

From these two accounts I suspect a couple of things: the self is a fabrication, the self is not permanent, but evolving, and one naturally prefers happiness and pleasure. Some questions: what’s wrong with a moving self? Isn’t the no-self (not-self) concept extreme?

…to be continued

“For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us to temporarily beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. Racism and homophobia are real conditions of all our lives in this place and time. I urge each one of us here to reach down into that deep place of knowledge inside herself and touch that terror and loathing of any difference that lives here. See whose face it wears. Then the personal as the political can begin to illuminate all our choices.” ― Audre Lorde

You can’t escape
The absurd passion
The dumb white children of the suburbs
Programmed by working class grass