i wont remember this later on…only for me
i brushed my mom’s teeth right before she passed.
It is gross to brush someone else’s teeth, and in her case,
she hadn’t brushed them for over 1 month.
Let’s see…squeezing OJ, vitamins under the pillow (cute),
sleeping naked, diaper changing, super-hero neon ankle brace,
falling, last shower, color of her skin matching color of her hair,
what she said when I showed her a picture of herself the day she died,
how she couldn’t handle spicy food near the end
what it was she said, “prabhu” in her pain
too bad it wasn’t poof! more like poooooofffff!
Oh, cleaning her dirty fingernails..

…
…
edit
This whole hero thing going on during the covid-19 crisis is total BS.
It’s a subplot designed by the elite and media to manufacturing consent.
This basically means keep certain group of workers happy while everyone
else sits on their asses collecting checks. The idiot culture will
easily intake and reciprocate their appreciation but it’s not genuine. If
it is….It’s important the media keeps
public in this state of mind because naturally modern humans are selfish
and don’t really give a shit about fellow man. Otherwise why would
minimum wages remain so stagnant for so long? Why only in recent times
have any accommodation being made? Hmm…the stock market has been climbing
like a rocket and those who are getting rich need to show some restraint.
Overall the middle has been increasingly becoming polarized…some moving up,
and others down. Those at the bottom have only recently begun to gain a more suitable
living wage. Even the whole argument of the 99 percent is BS. The media also sells this
tremendously b/c their are more Americans today that are living upscale than ever before.
Those who shop at Whole Foods and those who shop at Walmart is the best example I think.
Who are the big winners during covid-19? Corporate office workers hands-down.
In America the grandiose ideas always linger, equality, fairness, equal-rights,…otherwise you
have a you know what…so the point is and you know what else like how much sappy crappy
hugs and awww the whole thing is full of so much shit… boy, Lester Young and his band…yeah!

I would have said a few words,
the chicken crosses the road,
I haven’t prepared it, but wasn’t sure.
I don’t know the right words, formation can’t be done.
I have no rhythm. I don’t talk.
Here:
Hello Everybody,
Thanks for being here.
…
I can see the sweets offered to mom as well earned.
She had a sweet-tooth.
….
I can say a lot but who has the time.
I’ll say this:
A few days before my mother died she said,
“you really tortured me” I was a little surprised, but
I knew she was only joking around.
I know she didn’t hold a grudge.
It made a lot of sense though. I had been giving
her a hard time for a long time, for many years at least.
She worried about me constantly.
My choices and lifestyle.
She had to work very hard in life, and this extra stress was
undeserved.
Even while she was very sick in the last few months, I was still acting foolish.
This translates to a lack of thoughtfulness for her well-being when she most
needed peace-of-mind.
She treated me very nicely in life.
I know I wasn’t as nice to her.
It’s too late now but I would just say sorry for all the hard times I gave to you.
I loved you very dearly.
Perhaps we will meet in a future lifetime
and I will make it up to you.
May you remain at peace until we meet again.

How can I write better if I don’t want to write?
I should write just for the practice.
Either it slows down my thoughts, or it will
practice the rights. Too much involved in feeling.
Oh, I know, I will play the I-Ching.
I forgot how this works but I rolled the internet dice
Punctuation problems…
15 changing to 39
15. Humbleness.

…

Cloudy somber and empty-like.
Downstairs, middle floor, and up.
Sister, father, places to go.
Clothes to wear…cleaning and
organizing forever and ever.
Even in death the intelligence doesn’t come.
Chasing the tail. Can’t fix my One.
When you talk the thing becomes one,
that is, the mind and the body (thing-in-itself).
Thing-in-itself. What is that? The thing, das ding. It might be a little more than just the body. It may
include the core mind. Anyway, talking gets it done.
Two is ok too, but often the thought is seemingly
creating awkwardness for the thing itself.
Often the mind causes anxiety. Choice-less
awareness – Deepak Chopra has made popular this idea –
may lessen anxiety, but it has to be implemented.

Actually, I don’t know what is true about any of the above.
What? Death doesn’t even bring quietness.
It does bring a pinch in my brain. A happening.

I don’t know, but I suspect…
Superstition is the way
I mean I don’t understand if that is true,
that is, if pre-planning contributes to future events,
that is, events you normally don’t think
are controllable…like death.
Anyway, something is typing, something makes
it seem like that, but it’s all meant to be, I know.
Things are not in order now, and that’s a new
thing I suppose; a shuffled zeitgeist.
So like ceremonies are funky and whatever.

Diminish paper for canvas.
I think it’s just a color problem. And drawing is another problem.
And something in-between is still another problem.

There’s no motivation to do anything.
Anything attempted results in a sadness, contempt,
failure.
A hamster in a cage, spinning the wheel.
Can’t do much in this part of America.
An angry bunch for sure.
More dumb purchases; when will you ever learn.
Internet shopping and all that jazz.
I keep buying there even though I’ve wasted hundreds of dollars.
So beginner’s luck, savoire faire (social skill)…i don’t know anything!