I would feel less anxious about my mother’s death
if the society I live in wasn’t so skanky. In her bed
was no one. but the time is really a waste without a real place
in the society. You have to push forward either way, and waste words
like so many others do today. Join the resistance and make sense.
There is no resistance! Another neo-liberal movement pointing the finger
at one man when in fact, there are many millions.

I was going to compare the artist with the grocery store stocker. This is
a waste of time, but I think that in the night of days it doesn’t matter. But
let’s assume that I am not enchanted by the arts, but instead regular.
It’s obvious who takes priority. Survival. Art. Man-made art. Luxury items.

He’s an asshole, I think he’s the same person he was before his “mental
illness” kicked in. I can remember, or it’s just the same; we have a conflict,
me and him. But he’s even more annoying now; his new learned
behaviors are sickening. It’s a lack of inhibition which may have been caused
by benzo use, or he’s just more of an asshole now than before. Either way,
the social security check still pays the bill, so I’m shit out of luck.

She used to watch General Hospital on tapes after work.
I remember rewinding the tapes.
I don’t know why. What is the wisdom here? Hmm..it is just another
useless memory. But I suppose she worked hard and still enjoyed some
things that really don’t seem so luxurious right? Watching a soap opera
after a hard day of work doesn’t exactly seem like a fulfilling life. It doesn’t
get anywhere. The thought is not there. She lived for her children. That’s
a little sad, but what do I live for? I am the thing and I live for another chance.
To be or not to be, that is the question.

All tomorrow’s parties…nah.
Hunuman
The feeling takes priority; but split consciousness
solves this problem
…
I suppose that having guilty feelings
can keep a memory strong, but so what?
How pathetic is the society? I can’t resist.
Arrogant Americans. Suburban too. City folks
and all the rest. I hope they achieve success
Whatever their agenda may be. A foul foul bunch.
I can listen to this Lester Young thing on repeat
cuz I’m lazy. Lazy like my dipshit father.
Mom I would buy you something like flowers.
Respect for them, so I can score points. I can’t imagine how or why?
Drink the kool-aid and watch TV.
I don’t see with such a foul bunch.
Jersey sucks. That’s a book right there.
A mother’s love has it’s advantages.
Perhaps more than one realizes.
The lithmus test falls far from the tree too.
I know my writing does not make sense;
it’s more like poetry or code. What I mean is,
it makes sense to me; I can fill in the gaps.
….

The Dull Light Inside
black charcoal vs pick up the cat
over a bird picasso’s
going down without i-ching
white ppl over there, in here, above
rules and laws, respect
canopy Matawan Main St…boo!
Ashes book to read about light eyesight
gifted without a filter so much text typed
muscle in fingers..charcoal i hate on hard ground
paper filing money money time
to put paper in a hat and draw..devils and paranoia.

There is some argument that benzodiazepine
usage long-term can cause irrecoverable damage to self.
They say the med is causing either a down-regulation of the GABA
receptor or a decrease in the total amount of GABA receptors – in theory,
perpetual benzo usage enhances the inhibitory effect of GABA more
of these receptor types are made unnecessary; similar to downsizing a
workforce when a technological advancement has been made.
In any case I disagree for the most part, only in elderly persons or
those with some per-existing condition does it seem more likely.

Do I regret calling an ambulance for my mother? I might a little; perhaps
a little more than a little. Again and again. The system, it sucks, the capitalist
machine combined with the stupid meathead quality of the town i suppose. Plus
I suppose I am a little racist too in a racist town (a long and subtle story).
In any case, that’s that.
I was supposed to investigate the reason they used an ng-tube while her breathing was still not so good, which i believe was done in the ambulance. I think I better
investigate this while it’s still relatively recent.

I also wonder if the term “situational therapy” is more
equipped to handle to ideas surrounding addiction than say CBT.
Certain conditions arise like the Buddha says. When those
conditions are no longer present the resulting phenomena also
cease to exist. More often than not, anxiety and stress are due to
environmental conditions, ingrained ideas that make recovery difficult.

If Science is not the enemy, then someone is…

Too be nice. Too be sincere. To write well.
Still I am not a god.
Something feels good and one naturally wants more of that.
A culture. Let me just say, Central Jersey, jersey central whatever,
you have a serious problem. You have created a situation of
great foulness. It is only perception that counts.
A great anger you have presented before me. I am worthless.
Your kind of play is foul. You are a foul bunch.

The early bird catches the worm they say.
The birds are in me; many many birds of various noises – blackness.
you cannot explain away things so easily.
I should have shown my mom a carousel of my favourite paintings
she was doing nothing, i was doing nothing, i am an engineer; i could have
done this with a collection of images, but no.
stream-of-consciousness
I hate the big ego but it goes forth
pettiness overwhelms like late-stage cancer
the day is looking good, but i can’t see!
too much again, need to cut back the BS
don’t drink in front of daddy
color my ego red and yellow, hence keep it
logic and space condense this
billy childish the painter, can’t be sure, but wtf.
matt joss, all lowercase letter or all upper.
joe biden, kind of funny actually.
emotions can be subtle, can’t he cry?
then…it is all too much George, it is.
reading all this back eventually right?
….what really happens though?!
inline with my thought. not a bird,
poem
dark inner Om space where the many
and only birds are proliferating sounds
seeds are there you cannot see for food
bark for rubbing shaving gnawing etc
hay for me the smelly horse – aswaghandha
the nice Basquiat man gets it done like this
CSF and others are not present or are but
i am unaware like nothingness is real
chartreuse and blue-grey and India brown smoke
bereavement for time’s sake
chai cup a go-go
eyes need fixing
oh yeah, the fullness oneness etc
…
news
no news is good news
especially if it’s coming from the nytimes.com or the guardian
in fact, what ever happened to less is more? what fact?
mother jones or NPR might do better
Still this town and this neighborhood mostly is
like my writing, that is, not a thing.

Excerpt
As the nation’s employers continue to stagger under a load of financial misery, HR professionals at some companies have found a powerful retention tool that enables them to avoid layoffs and hang on to trained employees.

They’re setting up work-sharing programs, using a little-known feature of the unemployment laws in 18 states. Work sharing, shared work or short-time compensation programs, as they’re variously known, soften the blow of full layoffs by allowing employers to reduce hours for full-time employees, who then may collect prorated unemployment benefits for the lost hours. Rather than lay off 20 percent of the full-time workforce, for example, an employer might reduce everyone’s hours by 20 percent. Some employers that implement work sharing continue to fund employee benefits while the program is in place.

i wont remember this later on…only for me
i brushed my mom’s teeth right before she passed.
It is gross to brush someone else’s teeth, and in her case,
she hadn’t brushed them for over 1 month.
Let’s see…squeezing OJ, vitamins under the pillow (cute),
sleeping naked, diaper changing, super-hero neon ankle brace,
falling, last shower, color of her skin matching color of her hair,
what she said when I showed her a picture of herself the day she died,
how she couldn’t handle spicy food near the end
what it was she said, “prabhu” in her pain
too bad it wasn’t poof! more like poooooofffff!
Oh, cleaning her dirty fingernails..

…
…
edit
This whole hero thing going on during the covid-19 crisis is total BS.
It’s a subplot designed by the elite and media to manufacturing consent.
This basically means keep certain group of workers happy while everyone
else sits on their asses collecting checks. The idiot culture will
easily intake and reciprocate their appreciation but it’s not genuine. If
it is….It’s important the media keeps
public in this state of mind because naturally modern humans are selfish
and don’t really give a shit about fellow man. Otherwise why would
minimum wages remain so stagnant for so long? Why only in recent times
have any accommodation being made? Hmm…the stock market has been climbing
like a rocket and those who are getting rich need to show some restraint.
Overall the middle has been increasingly becoming polarized…some moving up,
and others down. Those at the bottom have only recently begun to gain a more suitable
living wage. Even the whole argument of the 99 percent is BS. The media also sells this
tremendously b/c their are more Americans today that are living upscale than ever before.
Those who shop at Whole Foods and those who shop at Walmart is the best example I think.
Who are the big winners during covid-19? Corporate office workers hands-down.
In America the grandiose ideas always linger, equality, fairness, equal-rights,…otherwise you
have a you know what…so the point is and you know what else like how much sappy crappy
hugs and awww the whole thing is full of so much shit… boy, Lester Young and his band…yeah!